Living in a small town can add certain obstacles when dealing with an estranged parent . While I seldom run into mine anymore it has prevented me sometimes from going to places I would like to or attending certain functions. Simply put ,currently I don’t purposefully place myself where my estranged parent might be but I also do not avoid attending important events because of her. When I was first going no contact that wouldn’t have been an option due to the anxiety and stress I would have placed myself under at that time.
Another thing that presents itself are family members or casual acquaintances who bring up my estranged parent to me either not knowing my situation, understanding it, or sometimes just to be all up in my business.
Usually in dysfunctional families one of the members takes the place of the “truth teller”. That would be me. Until the last few years I didn’t understand the whys and hows of my abusive parents behavior, but I could never let go of the idea that something was wrong with how my family worked and that reactions to various things that happened to me growing up were handled with cruelty or callousness. So on occasion I would confront my now estranged parent on her bad behavior or ask “why” did you do this. Of course this brought anger raining down on my head for daring to question her or outright denial that the abuse ever took place at all. As a result I would be punished for this in some way or my Momster would find a way to get back at me for telling my truth.
I suppose I am still the truth teller of my family of origin even though I am no longer part of that family. By not being afraid to talk about family dysfunction and not lying to make my abuser look good when she is far from that. I don’t think I would be doing myself any favors by pretending my life is something it is not. Neither do I enjoy putting all the business out there but sometimes I am tempted to just tell everyone how messed up things are so they will just butt out or be a little understanding.
Today at my job a person whom knows both my estranged parent and myself casually inquired about my Momsters health to me and test results. I simply said “I don’t know” and she persisted with asking me several times until I finally said “I don’t have any contact with her so I really do not know what is going on” Well this woman who knows nothing about me, my situation, or really knows my parent other than casually (momster broadcasts all her “illnesses” to everyone who will listen for sympathy so no surprise that anyone would know about medical stuff with her) hits me with the classic “Well you only have one Mother” line. Hmmm. If I was in a sarcastic mood I might have replied THANK GOD! lol But I just smiled and nodded. Then she approaches me a few minutes later with “well my Mom passed away 16 years ago and I miss her everyday so I think we should all cherish our parents while they are with us” Understandable IF you have nice, caring, wonderful parent. I would have loved to have had a mother like that or even a slightly crappy mother who just didn’t repeatedly do mean, horrible things to me! If you are like me though and drew the card of having an abusive, narcissistic, mean-spirited, unstable, jealous parent then not so much. So while I didn’t respond to this woman with anything but kindness I was left feeling out of sorts and saddened by the exchange.
I can’t miss something I never had with my own mother. I never had unconditional love, I never had a mother who put my feelings or needs above her own, I never had a mother who did not do hurtful things to me, or kept me out of harms way, or contributed to my emotional well-being.
I had a mother who would find the one thing I cared about and would then set out to try to destroy it. I had a mother who lied to me and about me. I had a mother who used me. I had a mother who stole from me. I had a mother who didn’t care about me. I had a mother who hurt my relationships with family and friends. I had a mother whose jealousy of her own daughter led her down a road that I can only describe as psychotic. I had a mother who did not love me.
I know the woman whom I spoke to today didn’t mean any harm by what she said. I hold no ill will toward her and have sympathy for her that she misses her own mother so deeply.
My quote of the day taken from the King…..”Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse walk a mile in my shoes.”
-Elvis Presley