If you know me you might wonder why I am writing this journal, exposing my feelings and myself. The answer to that is that by not acknowledging the manipulation, lack of caring, and lies I was told my whole life , it was making me sick. It was keeping me from healing and moving on. I am at a place where I just refuse to go along with lies and secrets anymore. They were put into place to protect an abusive person and abusive people don’t deserve protection. By just not saying anything about “why” I don’t speak to my Momster and letting people believe her untruths, I feel I was doing a misjustice to myself.
This journal isn’t some sort of revenge. It’s just me telling MY truth and letting other daughters and sons who might be hurting from dealing with a narcissistic parent know that it does get better. It really does. For things to get better for me I had to cut off all contact with that parent. I had to get away from the person who was continuing her bad behavior and emotional abuse . I had to stop believing her lies. I stopped listening to her twisted version of reality and listened to my own heart. I refused to let the shame of having an parent who did not love me define me. I had to remove myself from people who weren’t supportive of me. I had to face the facts of my childhood and I had to devote time to taking care of myself.
For a long time remembering my past was painful to me. I was dwelling a lot on the hurt, the manipulation, the ruined moments, and also the fact that I can’t fix things within my extended family. The reality is I never could have. Toxic people in our lives, like my Momster, just aren’t good to be around. Ever.
That is the hardest thing to overcome for me. Knowing that no mater what happens in the future I will never be able to “fix” or heal my family of origin. The damage is done.
I can’t help that because number one the abuse will never be acknowledged , number two the abuser continues to lie, manipulate, and people continue to either believe those lies or in the false idea that all mothers are basically good people who don’t harm their children. Finally and most important you can’t change people. People have to want to change and you have to be important enough to them that they will change. You also have to be important enough to your family that they will listen to your truth. None of the above holds true in my situation. I would be living in a fantasy if I thought that something I could do or say could help to heal the levels of toxic dysfunction in the family. Also sometimes people just continue to go to far to be forgiven or allowed into your life again.
Letting go of the idea that my family of origin (parents,siblings) will ever be a “normal” family allows me to breathe a little more easily and also I can go forward with the knowledge that my own family ,my children, will have a much happier existence not being involved in the drama filled, emotionally damaging life that I grew up in.
My husband and I create great memories for them. They will be surrounded by people who love them and treat them the way that they deserve to be treated.
I can also choose to focus on good memories I have from my childhood. Like reading fairy tales under the tree in the back yard , creating an happy imaginary world with my dolls, my wonderful grandparents that I was so lucky to have in my life, my Uncle Ray who gave this little brown haired girl his undivided attention whenever I was around him, playing legos with my brother in the attic of the old house we lived in, and taking care of my baby sister.
I can also go forward and enjoy any small moments I get to spend with my beautiful niece, my sister, and my Dad, I can be there when my cousin delivers her sweet baby boy in a few weeks and be a part of his life.
I am lucky enough to get a few days off around Christmas that I can watch movies, bake cookies, and enjoy time with my kids and husband.
I am in a much better place in my life than I was a year ago. I can honestly say this is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I can live in a place of truth, love, and inner peace that I never had before in my life.