* I’ve been having a hard time of it. My road to healing came across some bumps and I have been working on that for the past 4 days. I’ve read a lot, watched many Oprah Life Class episodes on healing this last week and really listened to my own self…
Ok friends, so here is the deal. I am stuck in my anger right now.
Sounds cheerful, doesn’t it? I have also figured out that I am stuck in my story. My story of “my mother doesn’t love me”.
While my story is true that does not make it mine to own for eternity. I need to let go of what I can not change, change what I can, and move on to the next level of healing. That is what I need to do! Carrying around the baggage of being that motherless daughter, that scared little girl is just to heavy of a load. I have been taking over for my abuser in abusing me because I wake up every morning and lay my head down at night with the thought of being unloved. That is the record that plays non stop in my head and that is the hurt I stomp down inside myself that then becomes anger at everyone and everything.
So I am taking responsibility for that and my own attitude because I am not going to let that be my story.
I am going to take action and work harder. I really am. But at this moment I am clinging to it hard and tight because when I let go of my anger I fear the hurt that will follow. Today I can feel it bubbling like some witch’s brew right below my heart. That anger is keeping me from breaking down into a useless puddle or that is what I am telling myself. My body is physically hurting and my mind is not at rest. I am mad at myself because who in their right mind would not choose happiness? I know that holding onto pain is hurting me so why am a fighting for that?
My husband had a good talk with me this last week. He still sees me as an attentive, loving wife and mother,a good, forgiving person, and for that I am grateful. Maybe that means that is still inside me somewhere. I see myself quite differently these days. I see myself as just a sad and angry person most days. Not what I want to be but stuck.
These words by Iyanla Vanzant during Oprah’s Life Class were my aha moment.
“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them”
So I am working on that. Making peace with my memories. As hard as I can.